Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
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We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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