I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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