You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Blood and glitter go together right?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.