If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
