A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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