Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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