I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
