I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
