he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
