Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
