He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week