I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
