I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
