and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
