that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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