Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
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From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth