why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.