Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
