I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
