And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
