True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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