Just fell off a train. Bad.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Couch. On fire.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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