So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
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The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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