No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Duck Duck Cougar?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It's blow job season.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
