did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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