I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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