Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.