it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
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I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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