three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
