Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
