I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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