perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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