I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
