the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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