Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
