I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
