I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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