btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
