woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
