so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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