My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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