I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
