You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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