Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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