DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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