My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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