Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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