i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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