Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
