dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
