All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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