I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
