haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It's Friday. Sex?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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