I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
